I’ve come to a point where I have to clean up things in my life. I mentioned that I had a situation with a supposed friend this weekend. Last night, I had a face to face talk with this person. I was open to the discussion and after weighing a lot of factors, decided that curtain steps must be taken.

I know first and foremost I need to be free of the company that I’ve had basically for the last month. Every weekend with this company, there would be way too much liquor than reasonable, to the extent that two consecutive Sundays I came into work hungover and overtired. This all reached it apex this weekend where arguments broke out that carried through the weekend and ended up dragging one person, who I care about an awful lot, into the fray when they didn’t need to be.

I know that the root of a lot of this is the excessive drinking that happens within this group. I’m not a drinker by nature, nor to I want to become one. For the sake of self-preservation and as a way to work my way out of this group, I’m not drinking for at least a month. This will be a chance for me to clear my head and think straight. There’s also the hope that I’ll become boring because I’d rather sit there with a Coke, that doesn’t contain any rum.

The other move I’m making is I’m getting back into shape. I was fortunate enough to receive a bike for free last night and went on my first right tonight. Obviously, hills kill me at the moment, but I’m hoping within the month I’ll be able to handle those.

Outside of the obvious physical benefits, I’m hoping to receive some mental ones as well. I’ve been experiencing some depression and self-doubt, and I’ve had major trust issues ever since an incident back in November where a so-called best friend allowed me to get robbed in my own house, only to do nothing after the fact to show that she even cared to rectify it. This was also another situation where I was drinking constantly. I’m seeing a pattern here. It was so bad, I damn near ruined my schooling. My head has been a trip ever since.

I have a friend that was willing to lend me a book, and I hope that she still does. I’ll take anything I can get at this point. I wrote on my tumblr a month ago that I feel like I’m at square one. I’m even more so now. Further, I received constant reminders that I’m better than the situation at hand while on my drunken walk home on Saturday morning. Those declarations are finally sinking in.

The whole ordeal has been a painful, embarrassing, and soul-wrenching. I hope that I’ve finally learned the affects that liquor does to me in large doses. I also hope to prove to myself the kind of inner strength I have within me. I hope to have some support with this, but if I have to do it alone, then that’s what I’ll do.

It’s me time.


~ by Steve L. on June 23, 2008.

One Response to “Revelations”

  1. Yikes, Steve, when it rains it pours! Sounds like you’re going in the right direction, though.

    Ya know that saying, “Everything I ever needed to know, I learned in Kindergarten?”

    Well, I find that to be especially true in friendships and relationships. No matter how old you are, how established you are, or how settled you are, somebody inevitably wants to regress to Kindergarten interaction. Frustrating!

    Take care, Steve.

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